My Talks with Jesus

Between the combo of "Are you there God? It's me, Annie." and "Dear Jesus," postings on FB it is probable that I am on my way to hell. Combine those with an 1/8 of the things that come out of my mouth, the probability turns into a certainty.

I have talks with Jesus on a daily basis. Mostly it consists of me talking with he and God shaking their heads...Now the Holy Spirit, he totally gets it. However, the Bible says we are all born in God's image so really I'm not in that bad of shape.

For your reading pleasure (also I'm tired due to the holidays) please enjoy a few of my favorite talk with yours truly:

October 12
Are you there God? It's me, Annie. Thank you for serving me my humble pie this morning while at Jazzercise. I didn't realize how in shape (albiet, kinda) I was when I stopped working out when school started. It is quite daunting (albeit, embarassing) to realize that I'm mostly jam cause jelly don't shake like that.

Sept 6
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I am 16 minutes away from the Pink Sock League Fantasy Football Draft.

Aug 11
Dear Jesus,

Thank you for blessing me with such fabulous people to work with. It is so nice to go back to work and not impale myself on #2 pencils or knock myself unconscious with my overhead projector screen.

July 31
Dear Jesus,

I have decided to rethink my stance on several things as I am positive it is a sure fire way to gain entrance into Hell. Considering how FREAKIN' HOT IT IS, I am not meant for these conditions in the afterlife.

The Holidays: Dealing with the Crazies Part 1

I have found there are 2 types of people: those that love the holidays and those that hate/abhor (inset your word for dislike) the holidays. Therefore, you're either an Annie or a Tommy. If you know us as a couple, then you know I love love love the holidays while Tom, eh, not so much. However, there are similarities between the two especially when it comes to the coping mechanisms you can and should use to deal with the Crazies at the holiday time.

1. Watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade - Why? Because you're an American. The Pilgrims watched the parade in their day...except their parade probably consisted of holding the Native Americans at gun point, making them walk up and down Plymouth Avenue, pretending to be the Rockettes or some stupid high school marching band...Just sayin'
2. Make and keep your own traditions - A girlfriend of mine has a pre-Thanksgiving Happy Hour at her favorite watering hole which involves a group of individuals who only have one person in common getting together to commiserate the upcoming day with complete strangers. My cousin, also a creature of habit, feels most comfortable staying in on for Black Friday. Apparently, she enjoys being a recluse. Very similar to the mother/daughter combo on Long Island, Jackie O's crazy socialite cousins. Having tradition is important even if it means sitting in your favorite chair while drinking a Pinot Noir thinking evil thoughts about people.
3. Enjoy the quiet time - Whether its before or after the storm of poo that you've ensued, enjoy the quiet. My mother loved this time on Thanksgiving Day. She would wait until Johnny and I were asleep and she would get the paper with all the ads (this was before Black Friday was called Black Friday) and would reflect on her day of fabulousness in the kitchen. She would do this with her big blonde hair still perfect while in her perfect outfit from Saks Fifth Avenue. I do the same thing except it IS Black Friday and while my hair is big and fabulous, I'm doing number 5 while planning on doing number 4 at Target or Old Navy.
4. Always throw elbows - I don't care if you are at the Thanksgiving table or at Target. Sometimes a bitch needs a fat lip.
5. Drink massive amounts of alcohol - Because hey, alcohol helps any situation go from crappy to craptastic or craptastic to fabulous.

Remember to be thankful this holiday season as you have much to be thankful for. I am eternally thankful for my loving husband, my adorable son, my evil sense of humor, my wonderful family, my bottles of Pinot and my fabulous friends.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Black Friday: Fun or Funeral?

Ahhh, Black Friday. A time when you can relish the great deal. A time when you can bond with girlfriends while you stand outside in the freezing cold waiting for the store to open. A time when you are allowed to throw elbows and make catty comments to those around you as you...Oh, wait.

I am a firm believer that God created Black Friday as a present to us for dealing with the Good, the Bad and the Ugly; otherwise known as your family. Think about this: all of your favorite stomping grounds keep opening their stores earlier and earlier every year. This year Old Navy is opening their doors at midnight on Friday with fabulous sales. Thank God for them because now you have an excuse to leave your crazy grandma's house and go stand in line so that you can get sweaters that are marked down up to 50% off.

Annie's Life Lessons

If you know me, I've got something to say about everything. Some of the things I say are good, some are bad and some are downright wicked and funny. However, sometimes people on the receiving end don't always like my advice...Well, tough. You shouldn't complain to me about it without me giving my 843 cents.

Life Lesson #1: If you can't change the situation, then change the way you think about it.
Life Lesson #2: A great handbag and fabulous shoes will get you into some great places. Granted, that may be hell, but I've saved you a seat.
Life Lesson #3: Always leave your house looking somewhat presentable. You don't want to look like ass if AND when you run into an ex, your boss, or that bitch you hate.
Life Lesson #4: If he doesn't like you, you'll be confused. If he does, you won't.
Life Lesson #5: It is never too early to start drinking. I mean age and time of day. Hey, the terrible 2's and 3's are hard on everyone.
Life Lesson #6: Sometimes fear and adoration are one in the same.
Life Lesson #7: Having a big butt is a great thing because you bounce back when you get pushed down.

I hope you enjoy my little nuggets of wisdom. After all being 1 part evil and 1 part funny does come in handy sometimes.

Unleashing your inner ????

I love Halloween. It's the start of the holiday season; a time when we're all guaranteed to be in a good mood. Even if your year has been horrible, you are still in a good mood because this crappy year is almost over. Some of you are wondering why I'm waxing philosophical about Halloween. I am because I believe that you should have Halloween in your heart all year round. I believe you should be nice to little snot nose children who come begging: be it for candy or other things. I believe you should indulge in the candy aspect all year round just as you do the days after Halloween. I believe that you should be the slutty/naughty _________ all year round. Why do I believe these things? Well, I'll tell you.

I believe that you should be nice to grabby and greedy children just as those were nice to us when we were that age. Why? Because they'll be working/owning the nursing homes we'll be staying in in about 40 years.

I believe that you should indulge with candy on a daily or every other day basis. Why? Because more than likely you stole it from your kid and that amount of control feels GREAT and secondly, you're nicer with a little chocolate in your system. Just don't let your a$$ get too big as it will affect number 3.

I believe you should be the slutty/naughty (insert your costume name) all year round. Why? Because you have a pep in your step and a confidence you only possess when you are wearing a slutty/naughty costume. Why only enjoy that confidence one damn day a year? You're fine and you should work that daily...

Now, stop shaking that child, grab a piece of candy and get out there and show off your fine self!