UGG Boots and other fashion faux pas

Merriam Webster defines faux pas as a slip or blunder in etiquette, manners, or conduct. Well, that may be fine with Merriam Webster but a faux pas to me is defined as looking ugly while you think you look cute. Honey, you are a grown woman. Why did we ever think it appropriate to wear these things but what’s even more disturbing is that people still wear these things.

1. Daisy Dukes – These are only appropriate if you are poor white trash. This article of clothing is so slutty a group called the 69 Boyz writes “I love the girls with a big ‘ol booties/But where I’m from they call them dukies/Pretty round cheeks hangin’ from da jeans.” Really? Really?

2. Fanny packs – Not even Rain Man wore a fanny pack.

3. Inappropriately whorish clothing – A hint for you: I don’t want to see your tata’s or your ass and no one does either. The sad thing is is that you wonder why you’re still single.

4. Truck driver hats – Reason #489 why I hate Brittney Spears

5. Mullets or any hair style not designed by a gay man – Do I really need to explain?

6. Shoulder pads – Explain to me why I want to look like a line backer, again?

7. Belly Shirts – Hello! You’re not 3 years old. For the love of God, put a jacket on.

8. Overalls – Asses are big and ugly enough without being made even bigger by something a farmer used to wear.

9. UGG boots-It has to be said that UGG boots stand for UGLY boots. Ladies, Pam Anderson wears these on a daily basis and you chastise her for years until you realize “oh these are so comfortable,” (which they aren’t). They look like jacked up astronaut shoes. Don’t even get me started but I think my friend Lauren’s mom says it best, “Take those stinky fake UGGS off.”

My Talks with Jesus

Between the combo of "Are you there God? It's me, Annie." and "Dear Jesus," postings on FB it is probable that I am on my way to hell. Combine those with an 1/8 of the things that come out of my mouth, the probability turns into a certainty.

I have talks with Jesus on a daily basis. Mostly it consists of me talking with he and God shaking their heads...Now the Holy Spirit, he totally gets it. However, the Bible says we are all born in God's image so really I'm not in that bad of shape.

For your reading pleasure (also I'm tired due to the holidays) please enjoy a few of my favorite talk with yours truly:

October 12
Are you there God? It's me, Annie. Thank you for serving me my humble pie this morning while at Jazzercise. I didn't realize how in shape (albiet, kinda) I was when I stopped working out when school started. It is quite daunting (albeit, embarassing) to realize that I'm mostly jam cause jelly don't shake like that.

Sept 6
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I am 16 minutes away from the Pink Sock League Fantasy Football Draft.

Aug 11
Dear Jesus,

Thank you for blessing me with such fabulous people to work with. It is so nice to go back to work and not impale myself on #2 pencils or knock myself unconscious with my overhead projector screen.

July 31
Dear Jesus,

I have decided to rethink my stance on several things as I am positive it is a sure fire way to gain entrance into Hell. Considering how FREAKIN' HOT IT IS, I am not meant for these conditions in the afterlife.

The Holidays: Dealing with the Crazies Part 1

I have found there are 2 types of people: those that love the holidays and those that hate/abhor (inset your word for dislike) the holidays. Therefore, you're either an Annie or a Tommy. If you know us as a couple, then you know I love love love the holidays while Tom, eh, not so much. However, there are similarities between the two especially when it comes to the coping mechanisms you can and should use to deal with the Crazies at the holiday time.

1. Watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade - Why? Because you're an American. The Pilgrims watched the parade in their day...except their parade probably consisted of holding the Native Americans at gun point, making them walk up and down Plymouth Avenue, pretending to be the Rockettes or some stupid high school marching band...Just sayin'
2. Make and keep your own traditions - A girlfriend of mine has a pre-Thanksgiving Happy Hour at her favorite watering hole which involves a group of individuals who only have one person in common getting together to commiserate the upcoming day with complete strangers. My cousin, also a creature of habit, feels most comfortable staying in on for Black Friday. Apparently, she enjoys being a recluse. Very similar to the mother/daughter combo on Long Island, Jackie O's crazy socialite cousins. Having tradition is important even if it means sitting in your favorite chair while drinking a Pinot Noir thinking evil thoughts about people.
3. Enjoy the quiet time - Whether its before or after the storm of poo that you've ensued, enjoy the quiet. My mother loved this time on Thanksgiving Day. She would wait until Johnny and I were asleep and she would get the paper with all the ads (this was before Black Friday was called Black Friday) and would reflect on her day of fabulousness in the kitchen. She would do this with her big blonde hair still perfect while in her perfect outfit from Saks Fifth Avenue. I do the same thing except it IS Black Friday and while my hair is big and fabulous, I'm doing number 5 while planning on doing number 4 at Target or Old Navy.
4. Always throw elbows - I don't care if you are at the Thanksgiving table or at Target. Sometimes a bitch needs a fat lip.
5. Drink massive amounts of alcohol - Because hey, alcohol helps any situation go from crappy to craptastic or craptastic to fabulous.

Remember to be thankful this holiday season as you have much to be thankful for. I am eternally thankful for my loving husband, my adorable son, my evil sense of humor, my wonderful family, my bottles of Pinot and my fabulous friends.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Black Friday: Fun or Funeral?

Ahhh, Black Friday. A time when you can relish the great deal. A time when you can bond with girlfriends while you stand outside in the freezing cold waiting for the store to open. A time when you are allowed to throw elbows and make catty comments to those around you as you...Oh, wait.

I am a firm believer that God created Black Friday as a present to us for dealing with the Good, the Bad and the Ugly; otherwise known as your family. Think about this: all of your favorite stomping grounds keep opening their stores earlier and earlier every year. This year Old Navy is opening their doors at midnight on Friday with fabulous sales. Thank God for them because now you have an excuse to leave your crazy grandma's house and go stand in line so that you can get sweaters that are marked down up to 50% off.

Annie's Life Lessons

If you know me, I've got something to say about everything. Some of the things I say are good, some are bad and some are downright wicked and funny. However, sometimes people on the receiving end don't always like my advice...Well, tough. You shouldn't complain to me about it without me giving my 843 cents.

Life Lesson #1: If you can't change the situation, then change the way you think about it.
Life Lesson #2: A great handbag and fabulous shoes will get you into some great places. Granted, that may be hell, but I've saved you a seat.
Life Lesson #3: Always leave your house looking somewhat presentable. You don't want to look like ass if AND when you run into an ex, your boss, or that bitch you hate.
Life Lesson #4: If he doesn't like you, you'll be confused. If he does, you won't.
Life Lesson #5: It is never too early to start drinking. I mean age and time of day. Hey, the terrible 2's and 3's are hard on everyone.
Life Lesson #6: Sometimes fear and adoration are one in the same.
Life Lesson #7: Having a big butt is a great thing because you bounce back when you get pushed down.

I hope you enjoy my little nuggets of wisdom. After all being 1 part evil and 1 part funny does come in handy sometimes.

Unleashing your inner ????

I love Halloween. It's the start of the holiday season; a time when we're all guaranteed to be in a good mood. Even if your year has been horrible, you are still in a good mood because this crappy year is almost over. Some of you are wondering why I'm waxing philosophical about Halloween. I am because I believe that you should have Halloween in your heart all year round. I believe you should be nice to little snot nose children who come begging: be it for candy or other things. I believe you should indulge in the candy aspect all year round just as you do the days after Halloween. I believe that you should be the slutty/naughty _________ all year round. Why do I believe these things? Well, I'll tell you.

I believe that you should be nice to grabby and greedy children just as those were nice to us when we were that age. Why? Because they'll be working/owning the nursing homes we'll be staying in in about 40 years.

I believe that you should indulge with candy on a daily or every other day basis. Why? Because more than likely you stole it from your kid and that amount of control feels GREAT and secondly, you're nicer with a little chocolate in your system. Just don't let your a$$ get too big as it will affect number 3.

I believe you should be the slutty/naughty (insert your costume name) all year round. Why? Because you have a pep in your step and a confidence you only possess when you are wearing a slutty/naughty costume. Why only enjoy that confidence one damn day a year? You're fine and you should work that daily...

Now, stop shaking that child, grab a piece of candy and get out there and show off your fine self!

Sports: The Female Mystique or Mistake

All right Ladies, what's the deal? I find it hard to believe that you are that excited about the Rangers or that upset about the Cowboys getting owned by anyone and everyone. Hell, Liam plays better ball than those fools and he has a bum kidney. I'm not saying that you can't be supportive of a sports organization especially considering the economics and how it will help the city of Arlington, not to mention the entire metroplex.

However, it is difficult for me to grasp the concept that you honestly like any sports team on your own accord. It all started somewhere. And that somewhere has a penis. It started one Sunday afternoon when your first serious boyfriend wanted to hang out at the house, alone, and you being insecure (albeit because we all were at that age) wormed your way over to his house. Now, had it been me and it was, I asked so many questions and made so many faces that he and I promptly broke up with one another citing irreconcilable differences. You, on the other hand, may have watched in feigned interest, asking only a few questions, in clarification, of course...The result of that afternoon is a life long affection of the Godforsaken sport. Why, God, why? He introduces you to Moliere or Reagonomics, not the inner sanctity of football or baseball for Christ's sake. Furthermore, they don't want you in their sanctuary. Men only pretend they do so you don't get mad and withhold sex or get upset and withhold sex or get mad and upset and withhold sex.

If you find yourself getting defensive then you know I'm right. If I'm wrong and you've always been a beer-swilling, sweatshirt-wearing, hell-raisin' Cowboys fan, then congratulations for you. I'm proud. When you want to come back to the land of the living, I'll welcome you back with open arms. I just might make you take a shower first to rid yourself of the stench of sports.

The Evolution of Annie

Some of you may wonder how I became the person I am today. Some may think I'm fabulous; others may think I'm obnoxious. My response to those individuals is: “@*$! it if you can't take a joke.”

In all seriousness, I have no idea how I became who I am today. It could have started in several different pivotal moments in my life. My mother tells with fond affection of how I tapped, while in utero, to Billy Joel while he was on SNL. I may have become the person I am today when I started posing for the camera at the age of 16 months. Maybe it was being in Miss Sandra's dance class at the age of 3 hearing that Tyler twang, "Now suck your peanut butter and jelly sandwich in." I was 6 years old before I gave up the bottle-not liquor bottle, sicko, the baba. My mom asked me if I cared whether or not what people thought of me having a baba at the age of 5 or 6. My response was to pop the bottle out of my mouth and say, "I don't give a care." And to this day, I still don't. Either you get me or you don't.

But maybe what I want to say is that maybe people get you or they don't. If they do get you, then hug those people and tell then you love them. If they don't, then politely tell them to suck it. Our life is too short to make apologies to someone for this or that. Either they get it or they don't.

Most of you are lucky enough to know my family and how much I adore them. It is because of my mother, Bebe, Johnny and finally Tom that I have the foundation of fabulousness that I do. If you know my mother, she taught me that always looking your best can hide whatever insecurities you may have. If you know Bebe, she taught me that the Cosby Show plus cigarettes may indeed be the end-all solution to life's problems. If you know Johnny, he taught me that the psychological and physiological warfare between siblings can and does prepare you for any type of warfare you encounter. If you know Tom, well, you probably pray for him daily cause I sure as hell do. So the answer to the question is, all of you, family and friends both are the reason Annie is who she is.

Now before I get all sentimental on you let me say something-that girl sitting next to you has a huge a$$.

Like a Virgin...

Of course, as soon as I start a blog I'll stop being funny and turn into some boring person, like my mother-in-law. Sheesh, let's pray to God that I never let that happen.