Annie's Spring Cleaning Tips

Every spring we are inundated with Spring Cleaning Tips. They tell us to do this or do that as if our lives will magically change just because we organize our sock drawer. Better yet, we can see our lives more clearly if we deep clean our windows. Yeah, right, Martha.

Never fear, my faithful friends, I have your Spring Cleaning List that may or may not magically change your life. It is simply meant to give you a little clarity on the things that make you crazy. WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE WHINEY OR UNSTABLE OR JUST STUPID.

1. Clean your glasses (not your windows) - I'm telling you this as someone who loves you, not some a$$hole who is into friendly fire (someone who pretends to be your friend but shoots you down all the time in a lame effort to make themselves look better). Stop making excuses for the crappy things in your life and see things for how they really are. If you don't like those things, change them. If you do like them, don't change them. Just don't make lame excuses for things. Example: I am addicted to reruns of The Hills. No longer will I say, "Oh, it's just on the TV." I will proudly stand up and say that I am a sad, pathetic middle aged EIHFPOw8g4rinhv-[
0awerniobvr0EIRG8HEN;SERG9J'90fgw394josngfrieegoeng...I'm sorry that was me fainting on the keyboard because I just now realized that I'm middle aged.

2. Dust your soul (not your light bulbs) - For God's sake, we have vaginal rejuvenation nowadays but yet people won't revive their soul. Go out with your girlfriends or do freaky deaky stuff with your husband. Read a new book or vote on the other side of the political spectrum. Do something different with your life. Wave your freak flag or shake your money maker. Just don't do both at the same time-you might hurt yourself or worse-your husband might want repeat performances on a nightly basis.

3. Stock your Bar (not your stain fighting kit) - Why? Because sometimes you need to drink. Especially on those days when you rather chew your arm off than go to work.

4. Purge your Friends &/or Family (not your closet) - Let's face it, Honey, you have some really toxic friends or worse yet frenemies or even worse-toxic family members. Why is that we keep some people in our lives for ridiculous reasons? None more ridiculous than the fact you have known them forever or that you share the same DNA. Seriously, if they are a tool, stop talking to them. What is even more frustrating is that society tells us that WE are BAD people for getting rid of those people?? But yet they are never admonished for being stupid buttholes.

5. Purge your closet (and I mean your closet) - Honey, it has to be said. There are some things in your closet that would make Liberace grimace. If a hooker or drag queen can wear it, then it doesn't belong in your closet. Let it also be said, that if a child can fit into your clothes, you might want to give those away as well.

I hope my little list has helped you in some way. Enjoy the rest of your week! I hope it is as fabulous as you are.