Suze Orman vs. Annie Orman (Hint: I'm a better bet)

Ah, Ladies and Gentlemen, that time of year is upon us. The time of year when you are masticating on pencils and drinking massive amounts of alcohol not to mention yelling obscenities at your spouse. No, I'm not talking about the holiday season. I'm talking about tax time. Tomorrow, Monday, April 18, is a day where you are either a top or bottom. You are getting while the getting is good or are begging for mercy (what? too soon?) What gets me is that people get excited about their tax refund. Hello, he-who-has-no-brains! This is your money!!! You didn't win the freakin' lottery. This is YOUR money that THEY have had tax-free. Here's my deal-if they get to mess with us, why can't we mess with them? Isn't turnabout supposed to be fair play? Apparently not because the IRS is an entity that is hated more than Osama bin Laden. Seriously, I'd much rather have him over for dinner than some jack-off from the IRS.

Every year at tax time, people always say that they will make better financial decisions next year but never do. So, for this weeks blog I have decided to share a few tips that are ingenious enough to maybe make you be a better and more financially sound individual.

1. Listen to your gut - This has nothing to do with relatives borrowing money. This has to do with Starbucks charging $9 dollars for 16 ounces of a 500 calorie drink. Stop lying to yourself, there is no such thing as a Skinny Vanilla Latte if you are eating a cookie along with it.

2. Protect your ass-ets that is - Always, always look out for number one so you don't step in number two (thank you Mr. Dangerfield). Seriously, if you don't have a good retirement but have money for your children's college fund, something might be wrong. There are no such things as retirement loans.

3. The Blame Game makes you Lame - If you know more about the Kardashians or American Idol than the financial world, you are LAME. When you don't feel confident in your knowledge of how money works, you'll blame everyone under the sun when you develop a toxic pattern of bad financial decisions. Here's a hint: that inheritance can only go so far.

Please know that I am really great at dispensing this type of advice but have no plans whatsoever to follow my own advice. Have a fabulous week! I'm off to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians.

Annie's Spring Cleaning Tips

Every spring we are inundated with Spring Cleaning Tips. They tell us to do this or do that as if our lives will magically change just because we organize our sock drawer. Better yet, we can see our lives more clearly if we deep clean our windows. Yeah, right, Martha.

Never fear, my faithful friends, I have your Spring Cleaning List that may or may not magically change your life. It is simply meant to give you a little clarity on the things that make you crazy. WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE WHINEY OR UNSTABLE OR JUST STUPID.

1. Clean your glasses (not your windows) - I'm telling you this as someone who loves you, not some a$$hole who is into friendly fire (someone who pretends to be your friend but shoots you down all the time in a lame effort to make themselves look better). Stop making excuses for the crappy things in your life and see things for how they really are. If you don't like those things, change them. If you do like them, don't change them. Just don't make lame excuses for things. Example: I am addicted to reruns of The Hills. No longer will I say, "Oh, it's just on the TV." I will proudly stand up and say that I am a sad, pathetic middle aged EIHFPOw8g4rinhv-[
0awerniobvr0EIRG8HEN;SERG9J'90fgw394josngfrieegoeng...I'm sorry that was me fainting on the keyboard because I just now realized that I'm middle aged.

2. Dust your soul (not your light bulbs) - For God's sake, we have vaginal rejuvenation nowadays but yet people won't revive their soul. Go out with your girlfriends or do freaky deaky stuff with your husband. Read a new book or vote on the other side of the political spectrum. Do something different with your life. Wave your freak flag or shake your money maker. Just don't do both at the same time-you might hurt yourself or worse-your husband might want repeat performances on a nightly basis.

3. Stock your Bar (not your stain fighting kit) - Why? Because sometimes you need to drink. Especially on those days when you rather chew your arm off than go to work.

4. Purge your Friends &/or Family (not your closet) - Let's face it, Honey, you have some really toxic friends or worse yet frenemies or even worse-toxic family members. Why is that we keep some people in our lives for ridiculous reasons? None more ridiculous than the fact you have known them forever or that you share the same DNA. Seriously, if they are a tool, stop talking to them. What is even more frustrating is that society tells us that WE are BAD people for getting rid of those people?? But yet they are never admonished for being stupid buttholes.

5. Purge your closet (and I mean your closet) - Honey, it has to be said. There are some things in your closet that would make Liberace grimace. If a hooker or drag queen can wear it, then it doesn't belong in your closet. Let it also be said, that if a child can fit into your clothes, you might want to give those away as well.

I hope my little list has helped you in some way. Enjoy the rest of your week! I hope it is as fabulous as you are.

Resolutions: Fun or Failure

Hello, my faithful, if not willingly faithful then my begrudgingly faithful followers. Unknowingly, I took a sabbatical from my blog. Some of you are less than thrilled that I am back with a bang. I’m sure you are waiting with baited breath to see what will spill from my soul whereas others are so excited to hear me wax philosophical about something mundane and prosaic but when it comes from my mouth it is neither of those things.

Moving on, shall we? We are at the beginning of a New Year and of course what do all of us do at the beginning of a new year – no, not chew our arm off, we make New Year’s Resolutions aka Setting Ourselves Up for Failure. Year after year we do this, why? It’s like that bad boyfriend we can’t seem to shake or that last 5 or 10 pounds that we can’t lose. Let us look together at the top resolutions people make every single year and figure out why people would want to kick themselves in the chutzpah year after year.

1. Lose weight – I’ve struggled with my weight for years and let me clue you in on something. Once your skinny, your struggles don’t go away. You’ll find your still in therapy for one reason or another. Does it feel good to shop at different stores or to fit into your old jeans? Hell yes, but most of the time you’re not addressing the real issue. Besides, ugly is ugly no matter how skinny you are.

2. Exercise more – This works for the first several weeks in January. Gym memberships are up 36% during the month of January alone and are empty by Valentines Day. Explain the logic to me on this one. Now if you use your membership-more power to you but if you don’t then…

3. Spend more time with family – Why on earth would you do this to yourself? They make you miserable and make you fail at #4.

4. Lessen Intake of Alcohol/Chocolate – Why, god why would you set yourself up for this type of failure? Only a fool would do this especially if you have family or a boss that drives you crazy.

The way I look at it, you are already perfect the way you are. Making a resolution, a statement of change implies that something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. It’s the people around you or the negative voice inside your head that needs to be tuned out. I’m all for tweaking and improving yourself but to go about it the wrong way is what I’m against. Maybe I’m delusional or I’ve been in therapy long enough to not set myself up for failure but I’m setting logical, realistic and simple resolutions. They are as follows:

1. Read books to make me smarter. I intend to focus on the Tudor Dynasty and Supreme Court Justices at first then segue into Domestic and Foreign Economic Policy.
2. Increase my accessories.
3. Step outside my comfort zone with cute outfits.
4. Figure out how to keep Liam’s toys organized.

This may seem like a very simple list to you but there’s no reason at this juncture to be profound.

UGG Boots and other fashion faux pas

Merriam Webster defines faux pas as a slip or blunder in etiquette, manners, or conduct. Well, that may be fine with Merriam Webster but a faux pas to me is defined as looking ugly while you think you look cute. Honey, you are a grown woman. Why did we ever think it appropriate to wear these things but what’s even more disturbing is that people still wear these things.

1. Daisy Dukes – These are only appropriate if you are poor white trash. This article of clothing is so slutty a group called the 69 Boyz writes “I love the girls with a big ‘ol booties/But where I’m from they call them dukies/Pretty round cheeks hangin’ from da jeans.” Really? Really?

2. Fanny packs – Not even Rain Man wore a fanny pack.

3. Inappropriately whorish clothing – A hint for you: I don’t want to see your tata’s or your ass and no one does either. The sad thing is is that you wonder why you’re still single.

4. Truck driver hats – Reason #489 why I hate Brittney Spears

5. Mullets or any hair style not designed by a gay man – Do I really need to explain?

6. Shoulder pads – Explain to me why I want to look like a line backer, again?

7. Belly Shirts – Hello! You’re not 3 years old. For the love of God, put a jacket on.

8. Overalls – Asses are big and ugly enough without being made even bigger by something a farmer used to wear.

9. UGG boots-It has to be said that UGG boots stand for UGLY boots. Ladies, Pam Anderson wears these on a daily basis and you chastise her for years until you realize “oh these are so comfortable,” (which they aren’t). They look like jacked up astronaut shoes. Don’t even get me started but I think my friend Lauren’s mom says it best, “Take those stinky fake UGGS off.”

My Talks with Jesus

Between the combo of "Are you there God? It's me, Annie." and "Dear Jesus," postings on FB it is probable that I am on my way to hell. Combine those with an 1/8 of the things that come out of my mouth, the probability turns into a certainty.

I have talks with Jesus on a daily basis. Mostly it consists of me talking with he and God shaking their heads...Now the Holy Spirit, he totally gets it. However, the Bible says we are all born in God's image so really I'm not in that bad of shape.

For your reading pleasure (also I'm tired due to the holidays) please enjoy a few of my favorite talk with yours truly:

October 12
Are you there God? It's me, Annie. Thank you for serving me my humble pie this morning while at Jazzercise. I didn't realize how in shape (albiet, kinda) I was when I stopped working out when school started. It is quite daunting (albeit, embarassing) to realize that I'm mostly jam cause jelly don't shake like that.

Sept 6
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I am 16 minutes away from the Pink Sock League Fantasy Football Draft.

Aug 11
Dear Jesus,

Thank you for blessing me with such fabulous people to work with. It is so nice to go back to work and not impale myself on #2 pencils or knock myself unconscious with my overhead projector screen.

July 31
Dear Jesus,

I have decided to rethink my stance on several things as I am positive it is a sure fire way to gain entrance into Hell. Considering how FREAKIN' HOT IT IS, I am not meant for these conditions in the afterlife.

The Holidays: Dealing with the Crazies Part 1

I have found there are 2 types of people: those that love the holidays and those that hate/abhor (inset your word for dislike) the holidays. Therefore, you're either an Annie or a Tommy. If you know us as a couple, then you know I love love love the holidays while Tom, eh, not so much. However, there are similarities between the two especially when it comes to the coping mechanisms you can and should use to deal with the Crazies at the holiday time.

1. Watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade - Why? Because you're an American. The Pilgrims watched the parade in their day...except their parade probably consisted of holding the Native Americans at gun point, making them walk up and down Plymouth Avenue, pretending to be the Rockettes or some stupid high school marching band...Just sayin'
2. Make and keep your own traditions - A girlfriend of mine has a pre-Thanksgiving Happy Hour at her favorite watering hole which involves a group of individuals who only have one person in common getting together to commiserate the upcoming day with complete strangers. My cousin, also a creature of habit, feels most comfortable staying in on for Black Friday. Apparently, she enjoys being a recluse. Very similar to the mother/daughter combo on Long Island, Jackie O's crazy socialite cousins. Having tradition is important even if it means sitting in your favorite chair while drinking a Pinot Noir thinking evil thoughts about people.
3. Enjoy the quiet time - Whether its before or after the storm of poo that you've ensued, enjoy the quiet. My mother loved this time on Thanksgiving Day. She would wait until Johnny and I were asleep and she would get the paper with all the ads (this was before Black Friday was called Black Friday) and would reflect on her day of fabulousness in the kitchen. She would do this with her big blonde hair still perfect while in her perfect outfit from Saks Fifth Avenue. I do the same thing except it IS Black Friday and while my hair is big and fabulous, I'm doing number 5 while planning on doing number 4 at Target or Old Navy.
4. Always throw elbows - I don't care if you are at the Thanksgiving table or at Target. Sometimes a bitch needs a fat lip.
5. Drink massive amounts of alcohol - Because hey, alcohol helps any situation go from crappy to craptastic or craptastic to fabulous.

Remember to be thankful this holiday season as you have much to be thankful for. I am eternally thankful for my loving husband, my adorable son, my evil sense of humor, my wonderful family, my bottles of Pinot and my fabulous friends.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Black Friday: Fun or Funeral?

Ahhh, Black Friday. A time when you can relish the great deal. A time when you can bond with girlfriends while you stand outside in the freezing cold waiting for the store to open. A time when you are allowed to throw elbows and make catty comments to those around you as you...Oh, wait.

I am a firm believer that God created Black Friday as a present to us for dealing with the Good, the Bad and the Ugly; otherwise known as your family. Think about this: all of your favorite stomping grounds keep opening their stores earlier and earlier every year. This year Old Navy is opening their doors at midnight on Friday with fabulous sales. Thank God for them because now you have an excuse to leave your crazy grandma's house and go stand in line so that you can get sweaters that are marked down up to 50% off.

Annie's Life Lessons

If you know me, I've got something to say about everything. Some of the things I say are good, some are bad and some are downright wicked and funny. However, sometimes people on the receiving end don't always like my advice...Well, tough. You shouldn't complain to me about it without me giving my 843 cents.

Life Lesson #1: If you can't change the situation, then change the way you think about it.
Life Lesson #2: A great handbag and fabulous shoes will get you into some great places. Granted, that may be hell, but I've saved you a seat.
Life Lesson #3: Always leave your house looking somewhat presentable. You don't want to look like ass if AND when you run into an ex, your boss, or that bitch you hate.
Life Lesson #4: If he doesn't like you, you'll be confused. If he does, you won't.
Life Lesson #5: It is never too early to start drinking. I mean age and time of day. Hey, the terrible 2's and 3's are hard on everyone.
Life Lesson #6: Sometimes fear and adoration are one in the same.
Life Lesson #7: Having a big butt is a great thing because you bounce back when you get pushed down.

I hope you enjoy my little nuggets of wisdom. After all being 1 part evil and 1 part funny does come in handy sometimes.

Unleashing your inner ????

I love Halloween. It's the start of the holiday season; a time when we're all guaranteed to be in a good mood. Even if your year has been horrible, you are still in a good mood because this crappy year is almost over. Some of you are wondering why I'm waxing philosophical about Halloween. I am because I believe that you should have Halloween in your heart all year round. I believe you should be nice to little snot nose children who come begging: be it for candy or other things. I believe you should indulge in the candy aspect all year round just as you do the days after Halloween. I believe that you should be the slutty/naughty _________ all year round. Why do I believe these things? Well, I'll tell you.

I believe that you should be nice to grabby and greedy children just as those were nice to us when we were that age. Why? Because they'll be working/owning the nursing homes we'll be staying in in about 40 years.

I believe that you should indulge with candy on a daily or every other day basis. Why? Because more than likely you stole it from your kid and that amount of control feels GREAT and secondly, you're nicer with a little chocolate in your system. Just don't let your a$$ get too big as it will affect number 3.

I believe you should be the slutty/naughty (insert your costume name) all year round. Why? Because you have a pep in your step and a confidence you only possess when you are wearing a slutty/naughty costume. Why only enjoy that confidence one damn day a year? You're fine and you should work that daily...

Now, stop shaking that child, grab a piece of candy and get out there and show off your fine self!

Sports: The Female Mystique or Mistake

All right Ladies, what's the deal? I find it hard to believe that you are that excited about the Rangers or that upset about the Cowboys getting owned by anyone and everyone. Hell, Liam plays better ball than those fools and he has a bum kidney. I'm not saying that you can't be supportive of a sports organization especially considering the economics and how it will help the city of Arlington, not to mention the entire metroplex.

However, it is difficult for me to grasp the concept that you honestly like any sports team on your own accord. It all started somewhere. And that somewhere has a penis. It started one Sunday afternoon when your first serious boyfriend wanted to hang out at the house, alone, and you being insecure (albeit because we all were at that age) wormed your way over to his house. Now, had it been me and it was, I asked so many questions and made so many faces that he and I promptly broke up with one another citing irreconcilable differences. You, on the other hand, may have watched in feigned interest, asking only a few questions, in clarification, of course...The result of that afternoon is a life long affection of the Godforsaken sport. Why, God, why? He introduces you to Moliere or Reagonomics, not the inner sanctity of football or baseball for Christ's sake. Furthermore, they don't want you in their sanctuary. Men only pretend they do so you don't get mad and withhold sex or get upset and withhold sex or get mad and upset and withhold sex.

If you find yourself getting defensive then you know I'm right. If I'm wrong and you've always been a beer-swilling, sweatshirt-wearing, hell-raisin' Cowboys fan, then congratulations for you. I'm proud. When you want to come back to the land of the living, I'll welcome you back with open arms. I just might make you take a shower first to rid yourself of the stench of sports.