To say it or not to say it...

If you know me then you have either (a) met Beebe or (b) have heard about Beebe. If you haven't met or heard about Beebe. Allow me to introduce her:

This foxy lady is my salty-tounged grandmother. Rosemary Sue Williamson Schurr is  take no prisoner's-kind-of-broad. Beebe is also honest, very honest. Honest to a fault. She's so honest she could (and has) made grown men cry. Don't ask for her opinion because you'll get it. Even if you don't ask for it, you still get it. So, needless to say whenever I look in the mirror or say something salty myself I am reminded that I am my grandmother's image. And proud of it.

However, there come times when I either (a) want to say something so badly that I do or (b) say it and not think twice about it or (c) say it and feel bad for about 3-4 seconds. Suffice it to say there are things that should never be said.

 It should never be said that people that drive mini-vans are the worst drivers in the world and should have their licenses revoked. Seriously, not only are these eye sores on the road but Jesus Christ, these people are absolute idiots. They don't know how to drive on highways and they take forever at McDonalds. I hate hearing their excuses, "Oh, it has excellent storage, " or "The gas mileage is so good." NO!!!!

It should also never be said that some babies are really, really ugly. I mean, like, dog ugly. I mean. like, prisoner with horrible tatoos ugly. What's worse than ugly babies are the lies that people say about babies. I hate having to lie to people about their babies. Nor should I feel made to lie about how your baby looks just like you. Honey, I wouldn't want something that looks like a red-headed, pasty-faced, she-devil from hell looking like me. Furthermore, all infants look like aliens until they are about 8 to 10 to 12 weeks old. Please don't make me go on and on about how cute it is or how they're already gifted. Come on...It's a freakin' baby...Calm down...

It should also probably never be said that children are annoying as hell. I hate most children. I only like well behaved ones. I never have ever bought the argument that "He or she is strong-willed," or "They are in a phase right now." Yeah, honey, I know that phase. It's called being a lazy parent who'd rather take the easy road than discipline thier child. I know strong willed people. Have you met me? My mother disciplined me and I'm a productive, healthy, educated member of society. Somewhat anyway. Other mothers who didn't disicpline...Well, let's just say their kids are... I'm not perfect and can list my faults faster than you can. Keeping all this in mind, keep your kid or kids on a leash. They will only do what you allow them to do. They will only act like an ass if you allow them to. Parenting does not consist of yelling your kids name from across the house when they do something wrong. Sometimes parenting requires you to get off your ass and be proactive not reactive. May if you pro-act instead of re-act you won't be sitting there in a parent conference while your kid is on the verge of being suspended from school. My kid is smart and a smart ass but he only gets away with so much before he and Jesus have a talk. This kid is so afraid of Jesus but that's another story. I'll tell you what-we can go to museums, restaurants, movie theatres, most other places because my kid knows how to act. And its a hard job cause he's not my friend, he's my son.

The list goes on and on. It should also probably never be said that he or she doesn't like you if they don't call you back.   It should also never be stated that not everyone likes your spouse. It should also never be stated that some people are dumber than boxes of hair. It should probably never be stated that your not as smart as you think you are. But all that's for another day.

Happy Monday!!!

Fall Preview!!!

It goes without saying that Fall is the best time of year. Why? Because the other 3 suck. Winter is horrible because it is so freakin' cold. Yeah, we have Christmas and New Years but then its cold and rainy. In the Spring, we spend half of it in a funk because we're so freakin' fat from the Winter. Summer is the worst season ever because it's so damn hot.  

Fall is where its at. I hate football but I love me some football players. Without football players, we'd have no reason to wear huge white flowers with dangling ribbons held to our shirts with 12 safety pins. Not only are we cuter in fall clothes but the food is even better. Can I get an Amen on soups and crock pot-ed meals? But the best part about the fall is the TV. Thank God for new TV shows!!! I remember waiting to see the new season of The Cosby Show and Friends. Cliffhangers aren't a roller coaster at Six Flags but something created by the TV gods to keep you awake at night pondering whether or not Ross and Rachel would get back together. However, that is the TV of old...Nowadays, we only have a handful of good shows. Everything else is just crap. If I see one more reality show I'm going to lose my mind. I will go so far into crazy town, I'll never return. Is it that hard to use your imagination and create something new, inventive and fictional? Seriously??? All you have is Real Housewives of (insert name of city with disastrously over priced homes and bitchy, crazy women) and Survivor???

Alas, never fear, dear readers...I won't lead you down a wayward path of crappy, television and misspent nights. For that is why I've reviewed the new lineup of shows for you...

1. The CW-H8R-A new show hosted by Mario Lopez in which celebrities get to confront one of the people that talk smack about them and attempt to convince them that they are not really who they aren't the horrible person that they are edited to be. You shouldn't watch this show for several reasons but the number one reason is that Mario Lopez is a douche. 90210-you were better when Brenda was on the show. America's Next Top Model-Dude, how many of these damn shows are you planning to have?

2. CBS-Survivor 23. Amazing Race 78-Are you kidding me? Who cares? If I wanted to watch people be rude and crappy to each other while in some remote destination, I'll watch Jersey Shore in Italy. 2 and a Half Men-Ashton Kutcher...enough said.

3. ABC-Dancing with the Stars-You lost me when you cast Rob Kardashian. He's not even a has-been. He's a never-gonna-happen-because-he's-dumber-than-a-box-of-hair. Charlie's Angels-I'm bored already. Grey's Anatomy-Your as bad as Desperate Housewives.

4. FOX-I'm not going to even dignify this with a response.

5. NBC-Playboy Club-Unless a girl from Toddlers and Tiara's break Hef's heart, I want nothing to do with this show. Biggest Loser-Meh, bulimia is more entertaining. Law and Order: SVU-I give you one more season before this money train derails.

Thanks for reading! Have a Happy Monday!!!

Freshman Five

Oh, my devoted and loyal readers, all 6 of you. I'm so sorry that I abandoned you in your time of need. I never meant to hurt you nor did I realize how much you enjoyed my witty banter or snarky comments of the cold, bitter truth.

It must be stated first and foremost that I am a cougar. Best Friend Cougar, that is. This term was lovingly coined by one of my very dear and special friends, Mandy Koohi. She is brilliant, clever, gorgeous and has amazing hair. She is also 18 years old. Now before you get all ooooged out, calm down. It is a very normal relationship. Every time I talk with her, I feel like I'm talking to my 18 year old self. Which leads me to this weeks subject-What you don't know, will HURT you. The Freshman Five is the list of life lessons you need to know to get through your late teens and early twenties. Not just get through by the skin of your teeth but triumph in a way that you can shake your fist at the people that are dumber than a box of hair and say "Ha ha-you're dumb and I'm not."

1. Finances-You will always be bitten in the boo-tay by one person and one person alone, the credit card company debt collector. This isn't free money. You qualify for $500 or $1,000 credit card and instantly you are soaring through the aisles of Target buying crap you don't need or buying Chili's for you and your roommate because you don't feel like eating Steak Tar-tar made out of Spam in the dining hall. You don't pay your bill and that $20 dream purchase turns into a $45 nightmare.

2. Education-College IS important. No matter what your head says at 8:00 on a Wednesday morning when you are exhausted from hanging out at the local watering hole for $2 Tuesdays, get up and go to class. When you are so tired that you can't keep your eyes open, gulp coffee and get back to studying. Graduating from college means more than a piece of paper it means you persevered and stuck through all the crap that was thrown your way.

3. Social-Speaking of crap thrown your way, get ready to shovel the proverbial poo. You will get a bad roommate or twelve. You will get a horrible professor. You will get stabbed in the back, SEVERAL times. You will get your heart broken. SEVERAL times. You will make it through all of this, EVERY time. Bad roommates make you more considerate of every one's belongings. Horrible professors teach you that you aren't always right. Back stabbing teaches you to defend yourself. Heart ache teaches you that love, like life, is full of ups and downs.

4. Fashion-Just because you are tired, that is no excuse to go out of your dorm room in your freakin' pajamas. Just because you are single, that is no excuse to leave your room looking like a hooker. Just because you are in a relationship, that is no excuse to only wear a t-shirt and jeans around your significant other. Just because you are fat, that is no excuse to dress like a fat person. Just because you are skinny, that is no reason for us to see your crack from the top of your jeans. Dress nicely people. Do it for yourself. And if not for yourself, do it for me because I don't want to see your ugly outfits.

5. Politics-At the ripe age of 18/19, you slowly start to realize you don't share the same opinions that your parents have. That, coupled with a few courses in higher education, makes you an idealist. You discover that not all things are fair and equal. You start to question the man. You begin to vote against everything that is inherently evil. And that evil is either the Republican or Democratic party. You start classifying yourself as a "Libertarian." Here's a clue-Laissez-faire is a flawed system as well. Be smart and not dumb. Form your own opinions and we'll be fine...as long as you have the same opinions as me.

I hope you have enjoyed my blog, dear friends. Please remember that if you have any comments, questions or concerns about the written material, please email your mom.

Suze Orman vs. Annie Orman (Hint: I'm a better bet)

Ah, Ladies and Gentlemen, that time of year is upon us. The time of year when you are masticating on pencils and drinking massive amounts of alcohol not to mention yelling obscenities at your spouse. No, I'm not talking about the holiday season. I'm talking about tax time. Tomorrow, Monday, April 18, is a day where you are either a top or bottom. You are getting while the getting is good or are begging for mercy (what? too soon?) What gets me is that people get excited about their tax refund. Hello, he-who-has-no-brains! This is your money!!! You didn't win the freakin' lottery. This is YOUR money that THEY have had tax-free. Here's my deal-if they get to mess with us, why can't we mess with them? Isn't turnabout supposed to be fair play? Apparently not because the IRS is an entity that is hated more than Osama bin Laden. Seriously, I'd much rather have him over for dinner than some jack-off from the IRS.

Every year at tax time, people always say that they will make better financial decisions next year but never do. So, for this weeks blog I have decided to share a few tips that are ingenious enough to maybe make you be a better and more financially sound individual.

1. Listen to your gut - This has nothing to do with relatives borrowing money. This has to do with Starbucks charging $9 dollars for 16 ounces of a 500 calorie drink. Stop lying to yourself, there is no such thing as a Skinny Vanilla Latte if you are eating a cookie along with it.

2. Protect your ass-ets that is - Always, always look out for number one so you don't step in number two (thank you Mr. Dangerfield). Seriously, if you don't have a good retirement but have money for your children's college fund, something might be wrong. There are no such things as retirement loans.

3. The Blame Game makes you Lame - If you know more about the Kardashians or American Idol than the financial world, you are LAME. When you don't feel confident in your knowledge of how money works, you'll blame everyone under the sun when you develop a toxic pattern of bad financial decisions. Here's a hint: that inheritance can only go so far.

Please know that I am really great at dispensing this type of advice but have no plans whatsoever to follow my own advice. Have a fabulous week! I'm off to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians.

Annie's Spring Cleaning Tips

Every spring we are inundated with Spring Cleaning Tips. They tell us to do this or do that as if our lives will magically change just because we organize our sock drawer. Better yet, we can see our lives more clearly if we deep clean our windows. Yeah, right, Martha.

Never fear, my faithful friends, I have your Spring Cleaning List that may or may not magically change your life. It is simply meant to give you a little clarity on the things that make you crazy. WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE WHINEY OR UNSTABLE OR JUST STUPID.

1. Clean your glasses (not your windows) - I'm telling you this as someone who loves you, not some a$$hole who is into friendly fire (someone who pretends to be your friend but shoots you down all the time in a lame effort to make themselves look better). Stop making excuses for the crappy things in your life and see things for how they really are. If you don't like those things, change them. If you do like them, don't change them. Just don't make lame excuses for things. Example: I am addicted to reruns of The Hills. No longer will I say, "Oh, it's just on the TV." I will proudly stand up and say that I am a sad, pathetic middle aged EIHFPOw8g4rinhv-[
0awerniobvr0EIRG8HEN;SERG9J'90fgw394josngfrieegoeng...I'm sorry that was me fainting on the keyboard because I just now realized that I'm middle aged.

2. Dust your soul (not your light bulbs) - For God's sake, we have vaginal rejuvenation nowadays but yet people won't revive their soul. Go out with your girlfriends or do freaky deaky stuff with your husband. Read a new book or vote on the other side of the political spectrum. Do something different with your life. Wave your freak flag or shake your money maker. Just don't do both at the same time-you might hurt yourself or worse-your husband might want repeat performances on a nightly basis.

3. Stock your Bar (not your stain fighting kit) - Why? Because sometimes you need to drink. Especially on those days when you rather chew your arm off than go to work.

4. Purge your Friends &/or Family (not your closet) - Let's face it, Honey, you have some really toxic friends or worse yet frenemies or even worse-toxic family members. Why is that we keep some people in our lives for ridiculous reasons? None more ridiculous than the fact you have known them forever or that you share the same DNA. Seriously, if they are a tool, stop talking to them. What is even more frustrating is that society tells us that WE are BAD people for getting rid of those people?? But yet they are never admonished for being stupid buttholes.

5. Purge your closet (and I mean your closet) - Honey, it has to be said. There are some things in your closet that would make Liberace grimace. If a hooker or drag queen can wear it, then it doesn't belong in your closet. Let it also be said, that if a child can fit into your clothes, you might want to give those away as well.

I hope my little list has helped you in some way. Enjoy the rest of your week! I hope it is as fabulous as you are.

Resolutions: Fun or Failure

Hello, my faithful, if not willingly faithful then my begrudgingly faithful followers. Unknowingly, I took a sabbatical from my blog. Some of you are less than thrilled that I am back with a bang. I’m sure you are waiting with baited breath to see what will spill from my soul whereas others are so excited to hear me wax philosophical about something mundane and prosaic but when it comes from my mouth it is neither of those things.

Moving on, shall we? We are at the beginning of a New Year and of course what do all of us do at the beginning of a new year – no, not chew our arm off, we make New Year’s Resolutions aka Setting Ourselves Up for Failure. Year after year we do this, why? It’s like that bad boyfriend we can’t seem to shake or that last 5 or 10 pounds that we can’t lose. Let us look together at the top resolutions people make every single year and figure out why people would want to kick themselves in the chutzpah year after year.

1. Lose weight – I’ve struggled with my weight for years and let me clue you in on something. Once your skinny, your struggles don’t go away. You’ll find your still in therapy for one reason or another. Does it feel good to shop at different stores or to fit into your old jeans? Hell yes, but most of the time you’re not addressing the real issue. Besides, ugly is ugly no matter how skinny you are.

2. Exercise more – This works for the first several weeks in January. Gym memberships are up 36% during the month of January alone and are empty by Valentines Day. Explain the logic to me on this one. Now if you use your membership-more power to you but if you don’t then…

3. Spend more time with family – Why on earth would you do this to yourself? They make you miserable and make you fail at #4.

4. Lessen Intake of Alcohol/Chocolate – Why, god why would you set yourself up for this type of failure? Only a fool would do this especially if you have family or a boss that drives you crazy.

The way I look at it, you are already perfect the way you are. Making a resolution, a statement of change implies that something is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. It’s the people around you or the negative voice inside your head that needs to be tuned out. I’m all for tweaking and improving yourself but to go about it the wrong way is what I’m against. Maybe I’m delusional or I’ve been in therapy long enough to not set myself up for failure but I’m setting logical, realistic and simple resolutions. They are as follows:

1. Read books to make me smarter. I intend to focus on the Tudor Dynasty and Supreme Court Justices at first then segue into Domestic and Foreign Economic Policy.
2. Increase my accessories.
3. Step outside my comfort zone with cute outfits.
4. Figure out how to keep Liam’s toys organized.

This may seem like a very simple list to you but there’s no reason at this juncture to be profound.

UGG Boots and other fashion faux pas

Merriam Webster defines faux pas as a slip or blunder in etiquette, manners, or conduct. Well, that may be fine with Merriam Webster but a faux pas to me is defined as looking ugly while you think you look cute. Honey, you are a grown woman. Why did we ever think it appropriate to wear these things but what’s even more disturbing is that people still wear these things.

1. Daisy Dukes – These are only appropriate if you are poor white trash. This article of clothing is so slutty a group called the 69 Boyz writes “I love the girls with a big ‘ol booties/But where I’m from they call them dukies/Pretty round cheeks hangin’ from da jeans.” Really? Really?

2. Fanny packs – Not even Rain Man wore a fanny pack.

3. Inappropriately whorish clothing – A hint for you: I don’t want to see your tata’s or your ass and no one does either. The sad thing is is that you wonder why you’re still single.

4. Truck driver hats – Reason #489 why I hate Brittney Spears

5. Mullets or any hair style not designed by a gay man – Do I really need to explain?

6. Shoulder pads – Explain to me why I want to look like a line backer, again?

7. Belly Shirts – Hello! You’re not 3 years old. For the love of God, put a jacket on.

8. Overalls – Asses are big and ugly enough without being made even bigger by something a farmer used to wear.

9. UGG boots-It has to be said that UGG boots stand for UGLY boots. Ladies, Pam Anderson wears these on a daily basis and you chastise her for years until you realize “oh these are so comfortable,” (which they aren’t). They look like jacked up astronaut shoes. Don’t even get me started but I think my friend Lauren’s mom says it best, “Take those stinky fake UGGS off.”

My Talks with Jesus

Between the combo of "Are you there God? It's me, Annie." and "Dear Jesus," postings on FB it is probable that I am on my way to hell. Combine those with an 1/8 of the things that come out of my mouth, the probability turns into a certainty.

I have talks with Jesus on a daily basis. Mostly it consists of me talking with he and God shaking their heads...Now the Holy Spirit, he totally gets it. However, the Bible says we are all born in God's image so really I'm not in that bad of shape.

For your reading pleasure (also I'm tired due to the holidays) please enjoy a few of my favorite talk with yours truly:

October 12
Are you there God? It's me, Annie. Thank you for serving me my humble pie this morning while at Jazzercise. I didn't realize how in shape (albiet, kinda) I was when I stopped working out when school started. It is quite daunting (albeit, embarassing) to realize that I'm mostly jam cause jelly don't shake like that.

Sept 6
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I am 16 minutes away from the Pink Sock League Fantasy Football Draft.

Aug 11
Dear Jesus,

Thank you for blessing me with such fabulous people to work with. It is so nice to go back to work and not impale myself on #2 pencils or knock myself unconscious with my overhead projector screen.

July 31
Dear Jesus,

I have decided to rethink my stance on several things as I am positive it is a sure fire way to gain entrance into Hell. Considering how FREAKIN' HOT IT IS, I am not meant for these conditions in the afterlife.

The Holidays: Dealing with the Crazies Part 1

I have found there are 2 types of people: those that love the holidays and those that hate/abhor (inset your word for dislike) the holidays. Therefore, you're either an Annie or a Tommy. If you know us as a couple, then you know I love love love the holidays while Tom, eh, not so much. However, there are similarities between the two especially when it comes to the coping mechanisms you can and should use to deal with the Crazies at the holiday time.

1. Watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade - Why? Because you're an American. The Pilgrims watched the parade in their day...except their parade probably consisted of holding the Native Americans at gun point, making them walk up and down Plymouth Avenue, pretending to be the Rockettes or some stupid high school marching band...Just sayin'
2. Make and keep your own traditions - A girlfriend of mine has a pre-Thanksgiving Happy Hour at her favorite watering hole which involves a group of individuals who only have one person in common getting together to commiserate the upcoming day with complete strangers. My cousin, also a creature of habit, feels most comfortable staying in on for Black Friday. Apparently, she enjoys being a recluse. Very similar to the mother/daughter combo on Long Island, Jackie O's crazy socialite cousins. Having tradition is important even if it means sitting in your favorite chair while drinking a Pinot Noir thinking evil thoughts about people.
3. Enjoy the quiet time - Whether its before or after the storm of poo that you've ensued, enjoy the quiet. My mother loved this time on Thanksgiving Day. She would wait until Johnny and I were asleep and she would get the paper with all the ads (this was before Black Friday was called Black Friday) and would reflect on her day of fabulousness in the kitchen. She would do this with her big blonde hair still perfect while in her perfect outfit from Saks Fifth Avenue. I do the same thing except it IS Black Friday and while my hair is big and fabulous, I'm doing number 5 while planning on doing number 4 at Target or Old Navy.
4. Always throw elbows - I don't care if you are at the Thanksgiving table or at Target. Sometimes a bitch needs a fat lip.
5. Drink massive amounts of alcohol - Because hey, alcohol helps any situation go from crappy to craptastic or craptastic to fabulous.

Remember to be thankful this holiday season as you have much to be thankful for. I am eternally thankful for my loving husband, my adorable son, my evil sense of humor, my wonderful family, my bottles of Pinot and my fabulous friends.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Black Friday: Fun or Funeral?

Ahhh, Black Friday. A time when you can relish the great deal. A time when you can bond with girlfriends while you stand outside in the freezing cold waiting for the store to open. A time when you are allowed to throw elbows and make catty comments to those around you as you...Oh, wait.

I am a firm believer that God created Black Friday as a present to us for dealing with the Good, the Bad and the Ugly; otherwise known as your family. Think about this: all of your favorite stomping grounds keep opening their stores earlier and earlier every year. This year Old Navy is opening their doors at midnight on Friday with fabulous sales. Thank God for them because now you have an excuse to leave your crazy grandma's house and go stand in line so that you can get sweaters that are marked down up to 50% off.